singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
