i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
