i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
