Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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