There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
