ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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