Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
