What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
