At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
