dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
