He uses pillows to masturbate.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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