My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
