there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
