Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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