I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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