he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
