I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am naked and annoyed.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
