I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
