when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
