Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
