Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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