You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
being pregnant is like rehab
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
