I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
