i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
