The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just want nice things and good sex
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
