If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
