Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
