How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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