You're so nebulous sometimes
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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