Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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