So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
