I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
