I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
