I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
