Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
