I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i think i have herpe
just one?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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