Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
