Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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