I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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