Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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