Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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