I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
