I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
