She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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