I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
