If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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