The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
