We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
