i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When did angry sex become our thing?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
