turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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