I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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