I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
